Getting on the same page as your partner
Happy Tuesday everyone. I wanted to talk about your partner! For many of us, baby sleep/ respectful parenting practices were NOT something we discussed before we got married. We might have talked about in-laws, finances, where we wanted to live…. But baby sleep was definitely not one of those topics. Is anyone a premarital counselor? Can you be sure to add this into your premarital topics?! All jokes aside, I think the first year (or longer) of a child's life can be so taxing on a relationship, especially when both parents are not in alignment. So, what do you do if you find yourself with a new baby & your partner has differing views on how to navigate sleep?
Education
Does your partner have ideas in mind regarding sleep training because this is what they have heard from other well-meaning friends? I know I’ve heard friends discussing sleep training and how fantastic it was for them. It can be easy, when not well-informed, to hear others talk about their success and then think that this is what you want to do too.
My first question for you would be- how much education does your partner have on sleep training? Do they know what it involves? Have you shared any articles with them on sleep training from experts? Gabor Mate & Gordon Neufeld are two of my favorites. Maybe share a holistic sleep account on Instagram. Or, purchase a newborn sleep education call or course & go through it together with your partner.
Conversation/Communication
I know this one is huge for my husband. He didn’t necessarily want to sleep train but he did have the idea of it in his mind. When we were able to communicate calmly & clearly about why I did NOT want to sleep train, he was able to much better understand where I was coming from. I shared information from the sleep certification course that I was in, and stories from other families who had not sleep trained. Ultimately through conversation we were able to determine that neither of us actually wanted to sleep train, but we did need a plan for how to navigate together.
A Plan
Like I said, we knew we didn’t want to sleep train but after 4 months old when our daughter started waking up all night long, we had to figure out how to navigate the night wakings together. In the beginning, we would take shifts, and at times I would go to sleep at 8pm just to ensure I could get a good stretch. Sometimes I would pump before bed so my husband could do the first waking with a bottle, allowing me to get more sleep. Eventually, we realized that bedsharing worked well for our family and I ended up sleeping with my daughter and my husband in a different room. If I was ever sick, he would sleep with her. This worked well for us. We just needed to be on the same page and work as a team.
Forgiveness
Honestly, this matters. Being up in the middle of the night is HARD. People are tired, frustrated, and emotions run high. Understanding that you and/or your partner might not be the nicest at 3am will definitely help you.
Space
Allowing space for your partner to have a night off- whether that is out with friends, or by themselves can be really helpful. Being a parent is not easy, and it can be easy for a parent to get stressed-out or frustrated. Allowing space for that person to care for themselves will allow them to come back refreshed and more easily able to communicate with you regarding parenting.
If you aren’t able to come to a mutual decision with your spouse on parenting practices, seeking out a therapist can help you work through the differences that you have. At the end of the day, remember that we all want what is best for our babies and sometimes we have to bend a little to meet the other person where they are at.
When I work with families, I want both parents to be on board. If one parent is wanting to sleep train and the other is wanting to take a holistic approach, I make sure they get on the same page before they begin working with me.
Stay tuned because I’ll be doing a Q&A with my husband soon to get his perspective!