Attachment & Sleep
Attachment has always been one of my favorite topics, dating back to my first psych courses in college. I’m so intrigued by the very nature of attachment, and the innate desire within every human to be attached to others. Now that I have a toddler, I love to study attachment and come to understand how undervalued it really is in our society. It’s funny- if you think about it- every human truly desires to be attached (to be known) but yet everywhere you turn you have advice telling parents to do things that make the conditions less conducive to moving through the stages of attachment as naturally as it should. Things like CIO, that your child needs to separate from you because he is “too attached”, to send them to school earlier, to focus more on academics and less on play, to sneak away from your child to avoid them crying when you leave- this is all common advice, and it truly breaks my mom heart when I hear it.
But let’s focus on the topic at hand, which is attachment and how this plays into bedtime & sleep in the different stages. A bedtime routine can be a wonderful time to reconnect with your child, (especially if parent & child have been apart all day, or if perhaps the day had a lot of frustration or yelling in it) to repair the attachment. In the most simple terms, focus on building a bedtime routine that has lots of connection, lots of love & is what your child needs. What does your child love? Books? Dancing? Snuggling? Add it in? Do they hate getting on their diaper or putting on pjs? Do that downstairs before starting the bedtime routine. Think about what you can say to your child to bridge separation- simple statements of connection like “I loved going to the park with you today” or “I can’t wait to wake up and have breakfast with you in the morning”. This is a wonderful time to slow down, disconnect from your phone, connect with your child, listen and pay attention.
Stage 1: Proximity
What does this mean? In the first year of life, your child is looking to touch you, feel you, smell you, see you etc. in order to connect. This is why they may cry when you walk, be more content when you are next to them while they do tummy time, etc.
How this affects sleep: Your baby may wake frequently, and not always for food. They may just need comfort, snuggles, to feel your presence.
What you can do:
Before Bedtime: Focus on lots of connection time- perhaps babywearing, skin to skin, holding and snuggling, look at them and speak to them (or sing), and as they get older- you can horse play, chase them around etc.
During the Night: If you are comfortable and following the safe 7 sleep guidelines, your family can consider bedsharing. Or, you can cosleep with the baby in a bedside bassinet. Know that many babies may require touch, smell etc. in order to fall asleep. Rocking/ feeding to sleep is not a bad habit and does not mean that the baby will wake more often. Also know multiple wakings is still normal at this age.
Stage 2: Sameness
What does this mean? In the second year of life, your child will want to be like you. They may start to repeat you, talk like you, use gestures you use- and want to do the same things as you.
How this affects sleep: Your child is moved to be like you- this is how they bridge separation in the second year. The more you can give your child in the form of sameness throughout the day, the more connection they will feel- which helps bridge that connection.
What you can do before bedtime: This can be a fun time to “twin” with your child if it is something you like to do- wear the same pajamas, or show the toddler that you both have something that you’ll keep with you at bedtime. Perhaps this is a blanket, an animal or any other comfort item. Be sure to engage in the same bedtime routine each night. Having a calming routine and sticking to it can help your child know what to expect.
Stage 3: Belonging
What does this mean? In the third year of life, you will see your child moved to be on the “same side” as you. They will refer to you like “my mommy” and you’ll see a budding sense of loyalty.
How this affects sleep: Your child wants to know that they belong to you and you belong to them. The more you can strengthen this during the day, the better off your child will do with a 10-12 hour separation overnight. Your child needs to know that they are loved unconditionally.
What you can do before bedtime: Build things into your bedtime routine that strengthens your child's sense of belonging. Talk about your family unit, maybe tell stories about it and your child's specific role within the family. Talk about unconditional love, repair any issues from the day. This will help bridge the separation overnight. If a new baby is involved, give your child their own special bedtime routine and alone time with the parent.
Stage 4: Significance
What does this mean? In the fourth year of life, your child wants to know that they are significant to you. They want to feel special to the parents and know that they matter.
How this affects sleep: This is actually about the time when, if attachment has unfolded as it should- that children can really start to handle significant separation (think full days at daycare or 10-12 hours overnight). If you had a child who previously couldn’t sleep alone, or signaled for support at night- around this time (again, if attachment is unfolding as it should)- they may now be able to sleep alone over night.
What you can do before bedtime: In the bedtime routine, share stories that demonstrate how important your child is to you- how much they matter. Make this a time just between the two of you (or three, if both parents are involved). If you have multiple kids, try to give each kid their own separate special time. Share with them what you loved about the day with them.
Stage 5: Love
What does this mean? In the fifth year of life, the child develops the actual capacity to love- and they want to be loved.
How this affects sleep: Children may want lots of love and connection time before going to bed. They may come out of their room looking for water or a snack- but what they really need is connection. Resist the urge to snap/tell them to go back- guide them back, give them a quick connection moment, etc.
What you can do before bedtime: Figure out which ways your child enjoys receiving love (touch? Words? etc.) and try to build this into your routine. If your child loves words, talk with her about your love for her. If she is big on touch, lots of cuddles and snuggles.
Stage 6: Being Known
What does this mean? In the 6th year, your child truly wants to be known. They don’t want to be a secret. They want to share with you.
How this affects sleep: They may be more affected by things in their day at this point- perhaps they go to school & something upsetting happened. They may need to air this out with you before they can sleep. Allow time for this.
What you can do before bedtime: Acknowledge your child's interests in the bedtime routine- pull out their favorite blanket/pjs/ stuffed animal/ etc. Talk about their favorite meal that you’re going to make tomorrow. Any signs that you can give them that say “Hey I know you” is helpful. Listening to them is important- even though bedtime can be at a point in the day when you are exhausted- they often share the most meaningful things at this time.
I initially learned about this through Isla Grace Sleep- I became a certified sleep and well being consultant through her course where we learned about Neufeld and attachment. I then enrolled in Neufeld’s course- Intensive 1- which I am in right now. You can also read more about this in Neufeld’s book- Hold on to your Kids or Rest, Play, Grow by Deborah MacNamara. It’s important to know that attachment is a fluid process, it can be broken and repaired even multiple times in a day. I feel like knowing this information has greatly helped my parenting process & hope you find this information helps you on your journey to aware, conscious parenting.
The MOST important thing that I will always mention is that this is not directions- or a recipe- it’s not a step by step how to. What I hope this information does is allow you to believe in the fact that you actually already know what to do. Your intuition will guide you. There is so much in our face telling us the opposite (don’t respond, don’t hold, don’t breastfeed at night, make sure you implement consequences that include separation)- if you drown that out and trust yourself- you your child will naturally fall into attachment