Attachment
If you are a current parent, I am sure you have heard the term “attachment” many times, and even more so, this concept of “attachment parenting”. It’s ironic to hear this parent phenomenon described that way, as attachment is literally the thing that ALL human relationships are built upon. Your child grows and thrives in their development THROUGH their attachment with you. They can face the threat of separation through their attachment with you. ALL parents are attachment parents. Attachment is not a “thing” you do. It is cultivated through your relationship with your child.
Perhaps you’ve heard of Dr. Sears and the 7 B’s of attachment parenting. Some information suggests that in order to be an attachment parent, you should breastfeed, babywear, bedshare etc. Now, these things are great! If you want to and are able to do them safely, go for it. But, some parents cannot bedshare, or babywear, or breastfeed and are still fully capable of building a strong attachment relationship with their baby. It is silly to put information out there that when you do these things, you are an “attachment parent”. It puts immense pressure on a parent to do things a certain way, when what they should really be doing is following their instincts.
Here’s the truth: Babies attach in the first year through the senses. They will feel safest and the most secure when in sensory proximity to their caregivers. Babies will want to be held, touched, and have skin-to-skin contact as much as possible. They will likely want to nurse (if breastfeeding) frequently and will sleep best near either being held or worn in a carrier. Meeting their need for proximity can help them rest in that attachment with you because they can trust their needs will be met. Offering lots of touch, wearing, holding, carrying, and room sharing can help meet this need, as can eye contact, singing and talking to your baby.
This being said, it does not mean you can never separate from or put your baby down! If you can’t babywear because of back issues and need to place your baby down to get something done- this is okay! Babies are programmed to need continuous connection. And remember, the baby attaches through the senses- so they need to SENSE you through sight, smell, sound, touch, taste. So, the question is: how do you keep baby close when apart? Perhaps you place baby down but then sing from the other room while you pick up. Maybe you sleep with their sheet for a few nights. Perhaps you put their pajamas in with all your clothes for a few days. There are hundreds of way to provide connection that don’t involve constant contact. There is no single practice in and of itself that gets the job done. There are 100’s of ways to connect. If you follow your intuition, and do what feels right to you and your baby- you are doing things exactly right.
What’s the messaging here? Figure out how to connect with your baby, learn their unique cues and personality and don’t do something because a book or website (or well meaning friend) tells you you should. Attachment is not a single act that you do. It is the feeling of love and security. You don’t need to obsess over it and wonder if your baby is attached. You will meet their needs simply by being present and responsive.
You will continue building that attachment relationship for years to come. You’ve got this, Mama.