Gender Disappointment

This is a topic I’ve wanted to talk about for awhile. One reason is because I experienced it and now am on the other side of it, and the other is because I think it’s important to normalize feelings and experiences that many women have in pregnancy! I know it can feel taboo to discuss wanting a gender different than what you are having. I did a poll last week on instagram and so many people participated, indicating that they had experienced gender disappointment at some point either before, during or after pregnancy. I knew I had to dive deeper in this topic. 

Here’s my story:

My firstborn is a girl. We waited until she was born to find out her gender, but deep deep down I knew she was a girl all along. We never even had a boy name picked out. Fast forward to dreaming of a second baby, and I always envisioned that our next would also be a girl. We were a girl family, right? My husband, meant to be a girl dad. I envisioned a sister for Nora with whom we could help cultivate a close relationship for the two. I pictured my relationship with my firstborn, how sweet it was and thought of course I want the exact same thing again (and in my mind it needed to be a girl for that to happen).

Then I got pregnant. And I think I knew in my gut that it was a boy, but I SO badly wanted it to be a girl, I think I started believing that it was. Having dreams of the baby being a girl. But this time around, we decided to find out the gender. We had only my closest friend and her children present with us when we found out at 20 weeks pregnant. We bought colored cannons, gave the envelope to my friend, she handed us the correct colored cannon and we shot them off. Out came… BLUE powder. Pure disbelief. And for me, disappointment. Luckily for me, my friend knew how I was feeling about wanting a girl, but even at that, when we went to dinner after with them, I had a hard time staying present because all I could think about was… a boy? I didn’t want a boy. What do I do with a BOY?? 

As time went on, my feelings didn’t change. I already have to figure out how to raise a girl in this world, now I have to figure out how to raise a boy too? Boys are loud and rambunctious! You can fill in the blank on the rest of my thoughts here. 

I was forthcoming with some people, not so much with others. Well intentioned people reacted many different ways- “oh, but a boy and a girl- thats the dream!” “boys are the best”, and some people even seemed offended that I didn’t want a boy. 

I posted in a facebook group and got 100s of responses from moms who had felt the same way. Validating my experience. Allowing my feelings. Reinforcing that it is normal. 

And after a couple months, I started to feel a bit more ok with having a boy. Someone said that I was likely getting what I needed, and i started to realize that my relationship with my daughter was so special, that with wanting another girl, I was likely try to replicate it, unintentionally trying to create exactly what I already had- and in turn, I began to realize that this would not allow space for this second child to be who they are and develop the relationship they were meant to have with me. Having a boy would allow me to do this, to unfold our relationship exactly as it was meant to be without being clouded by “what my first experience was like with the same gender”.

Here’s the truth. I really didn’t want a boy up until my birth and even in the beginning days. I loved my baby but I just felt like- how do I even be a boy mom? And then… a week or so in, it all changed. 

At 4 months postpartum, my baby boy is (one of) the joys of my life. He is still so little yet our souls are bonded in a way that is unexplainable. I joke with my husband “aren’t you so glad i always wanted a baby boy?!”- making fun of myself. I can’t imagine not having him, not having a little boy. What a privilege to help him grow in this world (remember when just a few months back I was saying ugh, now I have to raise a boy in this world?!) and help him grow into a strong, kind man. What a difference a few months can make and the impact it can have on our perspective. 

Looking back now, I know that I had to go through what I went through and feel my feelings. Pushing them down or pretending they aren’t real isn’t helpful. If I have friends going through it, all I want to tell them is - it’s normal, you are not a bad person, and its okay to feel exactly how you feel. Time heals all. I actually don’t know anybody who has a 20 year old and says “I wish they were someone else”. 

Have you experienced gender disappointment? What helped you the most?